I freaked out at Barny this morning about expired yogurt in the fridge.  I wasn’t mad at him for it, but I was angry that we let food go bad.  There is absolutely no reason for that to happen.

I’m the one that cleans out the fridge most of the time so I’m the one that throws away old deli meat that we never used, leftover fish that no one ate, and Pillsbury crescent rolls that were two months past their expiration date (3 of them).  Along with the crescent rolls that I threw away yesterday was the expired yogurt.  It was six weeks past its expiration date.  It’s yogurt that Barny loves. There’s no reason he didn’t eat it. It just sat in the fridge, never getting chosen for one of his snacks.  I’m not saying that it’s just Barny who’s letting this stuff go bad; I can eat these foods too, and just don’t. I would say, however, that I’m the one who really tries to eat leftovers.  I’ll take them with me to work for lunch the next day. With Barny, leftovers will just sit in the fridge, and he’ll make a sandwich.  Even if it’s a REALLY delicious leftover.

I shouted about it today, but then we were able to have a talk about it (although I was still quite excited, and probably appeared to be mad at him).  I really hope that our talk leads to us really trying much harder.  We’re getting half a share of vegetables from North Forty Farm in Townsend, so we really need to be cooking with a lot of vegetables. It bugs me when we go to pick up all our new vegetables, and we still have three cucumbers in the fridge from last week (and got two new ones!). So tonight, I chopped one up and ate it as a snack!

Barny and I already are getting pretty good about our food habits.  He’s been cooking every night, while I get to sit around and relax after work.  It is awesome, and I really appreciate it. To help out, I’ve agreed to plan the meals (he doesn’t like having to think about what to make).  We have a Google Calendar where I write our dinner menu, and it gives the name of the recipe.  He then goes into our Google Docs, and opens the document called “Recipes”.  It’s a spreadsheet of recipes that lists either the URL where the recipes can be found, or which cookbook to find the recipe in.  The ones we make, I write our rating (1-10).  Some we’ve made, a lot we haven’t.  I collect them using allrecipes.com, and my cookbook collection. On the allrecipes site, I sort the reviews by their ‘helpfulness’.  I then take the most helpful comments (e.g., ‘add more spices’, or ‘less lemon juice’), and add them as a “preparation note”.

Another part of our new dinner routine is sitting at our kitchen table.  It makes us talk, and it’s nice to sit across from each other every night.  It’s much better than sitting on the couch in front of the TV.  Barny has also been taking photographs of all of the meals, and wants to blog about it once a week.   We even had a contest with Maria to see which of us could take the best photo of our meal!

Oh, and we woke up early twice last week and Barny cooked a hot breakfast!

I’m about to get married - in 90 days, to be exact - so I enjoy reading stuff about how to maintain a good, strong relationship.

The June 2010 magazine of Woman’s Day features an article called “The Husband Whisperer.”  I was just going to write their four main points on what wives should do differently to get their husbands to do things - but then I saw that the entire article is available online.  Skip down to read it.  **  I’ll save time if you don’t want to, and I’ll just list the four main points and my take on them.

1. Always say please and thank you—and touch him when you do.
I think that this is fine advice - but it better go for the men, too.  If I have to say thank you every time my husband takes out the trash, he sure as hell better say thank you every time I vacuum the living room. However, if we both have tasks assigned to us to keep up our household (i.e., Barny hates doing laundry, so I’m going to do it).  I don’t expect Barny to thank me every time I do a load of laundry.  Every once in a while might be nice - but if we’ve decided that laundry is my task, then he shouldn’t have to thank me, nor should he have to ask me to do it.  The only exception I can see is if he needs something immediately - like “Robin, could you please wash my gym shorts?  I want to go to the gym tomorrow.”  If I normally only have time to do it on Sunday, and he asks me on Tuesday, then I think I should be able to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t.  Laundry day is Sunday.”  And he should either do it himself, or wait until Sunday.

2. Lead by example.
I’m OK with this one.  I don’t have much of a retort. Last time I was in England with Barny, I was explaining to him the usefulness of using a top sheet.  He was using a fitted sheet on the mattress, but no flat sheet.  He just used his comforter.  I explained that a flat sheet, when it gets dirty, can easily be washed - unlike a comforter.  I have no idea if he has started using a flat sheet, but I know he understood my logic.

3. Play the empathy card
She suggests that to get him to do chores - you should act weak.  ”I can’t vacuum upstairs because I’m too weak to carry the vacuum up there.”  Her actual example was a heavy laundry bag and cumbersome winter sleds. She played the weak girl card, and “he gallantly volunteered to help carry the load.”  What a lovely, big strong man. Please.  What about doing the dishes or dusting?  Can my big strong man do those?

4. Reward good behavior—the sexier the better.
She finally says something I agree with when she states, “why should my husband get a gold star simply for being a good citizen of the household? I don’t get a pair of diamond earrings every time I clean the hamster cage.”  Exactly!  She tries it anyway - and says that he will be rewarded with sex! if he successfully does the chore for the next few weeks.  Most importantly - WEEKS?!  Is she saying they won’t have sex again until he does the chore?  Or is the reward sex going to be special sex?  I’m confused.  Secondly, I don’t think that sex should ever be used as a punishment or reward.  I’m almost positive that many professionals believe the same.  Both partners should enjoy the experience.  And the husband should do chores because he is a part of the household, not because he’ll get a reward.

To prepare for our living together, Barny and I have already discussed household chores, budgets, sleep schedules, and everything else we could possibly think of.  I’ve done countless Google searches for “things to talk about before you get married” to give me tips on other things to discuss.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know.  But I think we have talked about everything possible.  Although we haven’t lived together yet, we’ve spend 3 weeks together living in close quarters, spending 24 hours a day, every day together (500 hours straight!).  We traveled, celebrated holidays, cleaned, washed and folded laundry - pretty household/relationship type things.  I think we’ll be just fine.  But it sure will be an adventure!

********

From Woman’s Day June 2010.  Written By  Jodie Gould

First there was the Horse Whisperer. Then came the Baby Whisperer, then the Dog Whisperer. Seeing all these whisperers tapping into their extrasensory ability to bond with less communicative creatures, I began to wonder if I could do something similar with my husband.

Could delving into his psyche help strengthen our relationship? Or, on a more pragmatic level, could I get him to do what I want without nagging, yelling or being passive-aggressive?

I decided to consult several marriage counselors in my quest to become a bona fide Husband Whisperer. Anything to get my spouse to, among other things, throw away his used yogurt containers, leave the toilet seat down and place his dirty clothes in the laundry basket rather than going for a three-point shot and letting them fall as they may.

So, armed with an arsenal of expert tips, I embarked on a four-week experiment to see if I could somehow morph into a Husband Whisperer and, with practice, patience and perseverance, mold my spouse’s mind ever so gently. Here’s the advice I followed, along with the results.

1. Always say please and thank you—and touch him when you do. I know it sounds like old-school advice, but every marriage expert said the same thing: No one likes being bossed around, especially by their spouses, so there’s no point in throwing down orders like a drill sergeant. All it does is evoke memories of their mothers nagging them to clean their rooms. My husband told me point-blank in our early days that if I told him what to do, he’d do the opposite simply out of spite. Real men don’t get henpecked.

With this in mind, therapists concur that we need to approach our husbands not like children, but with the calm, respectful manner we would friends. And ask, don’t tell. One evening I heard myself sputtering to my husband, “The garbage?!”, like a frustrated teenager begging for the car keys. Not surprisingly, that didn’t even bring a response. Realizing I was off to a bad start, I tried again. “Could you please take out the garbage? It’s starting to stink.” I could have left out the last part, I suppose, but I did get a response, although it wasn’t the one I wanted: “I’ll do it when I get back from the gym.”

Later, when the garbage remained unchanged (and still smelly), I upped my game and took the advice of Toni Coleman, LCSW, a relationship coach from McLean, Virginia, who’d told me, “Your husband will respond better if you place a persuasive hand on his arm or back. Men really respond to physical touch.”So I leaned in closely until we were practically cheek to jowl, but not close enough to block his view of the evening news, and I placed my hand gently on his shoulder. Using the sweetest voice I could muster, I said, “Honey, could you please take out the garbage now that you’re back?” Not only did I succeed in getting his attention, I got him to spring into action. He seemed pleased (and a bit shocked) when I thanked him afterward. Now, whenever I want him to take out the trash, I summon my kinder, gentler self.

2. Lead by example. One of the goals in my Husband Whisperer experiment was to get my husband to clean up after himself. Normally, I would have to put away jars, boxes and whatever else he’d left behind on the kitchen counter after a snack. Then I’d follow up with a damp sponge to get any crumbs or spillage. In my zeal to stay one step ahead of the mess, I’d sometimes put food away before he had a chance to eat it. He’d turn around and say, “Hey, where’d that bread go?” and I’d say, “I thought you were done.” Arguments ensued.

Why is it so difficult for a husband to swab the deck? It’s simple: Some men just aren’t that into cleaning. “Women see dirt and feel the mess that men don’t see or feel,” explained psychotherapist Marilyn Kagan, LCSW, who, with psychologist Neil Einbund, PhD, leads the Making Marriage Work courses at American Jewish University in Los Angeles. Dr. Einbund agreed: “When I do the dishes, my wife will come in afterward and rinse out the sink because she doesn’t think it’s clean enough. I look at the sink and it doesn’t bother me.”

I was willing to concede our irreconcilable aesthetic differences, but not yet ready to cave on his cleaning up. So when I spotted my husband heating up some soup, I decided to take a different tack. True to form, not only did he leave behind the dirty pot, but some spilled soup on the stovetop, too. I recalled the advice of New York City psychotherapist and advice columnist Jonathan Alpert, LPC, who suggested I show my husband exactly what needed to be done. “Men are task-driven and goal-oriented,” he said. “Tell him what he should shoot for.”

So I called my husband back into the kitchen. Lifting the saucepan, I pointed to the dried-up pools of soup. I could see by his bemused expression that it never occurred to him to look under the pot.  Sponge in hand, I continued: “I know you’re tired, but I want to show you what works for me,” I said, as cheerful as an infomercial. “I just spray a little of this cleaning fluid on the spill, wipe and voilà!” He looked at me as if I had just performed a mindfreak. “What’s that you use again?” he inquired, much to my own amazement.

Not only did he continue to use the product I suggested, he now regularly cleans under pots, like a little boy exploring the dark rooty underworld beneath a rock. It may seem like a small victory, and the results aren’t always perfect, but little things like this are a giant step for my peace of mind.

3. Play the empathy card. Another key to being a good Husband Whisperer, I found, is getting your spouse to empathize with your situation. Better to say, for example, that you can’t relax and spend time with him or the kids until the dinner dishes are washed than, “Why don’t you ever help with the dishes?” Not only do gentler words encourage your husband to see through your bleary eyes, they allow him to come to your rescue—something men take pride in doing for women.

Michelle Maidenberg, PhD, director of the Westchester Group Works, a group therapy center in White Plains, New York, told me that she plays the empathy card with her own husband—like the time she’d repeatedly asked him to put their kids’ sleds in the garage. Unlike her, he wasn’t at all bothered by sleds scattered on the front lawn like some kind of winter yard sale. A day went by, then two, then a week. “I must have asked him 10 times,” she recalls. Finally he said, angrily, “Why don’t you just put the stupid sleds away?”

Dr  Maidenberg realized then that her husband didn’t understand why she was asking (OK, nagging) him to do something she could do herself. Then she explained: “It’s difficult for me to lift the sleds and carry them down the stairs,” she told him. The next morning the sleds were gone.

Buoyed by her success, I let my husband watch while I struggled under the weight of two overstuffed laundry bags. When he didn’t budge, I tried the more direct approach. “Buck,” I said, using his affectionate nickname, “I really don’t think I can lift these bags myself.” Like Dr. Maidenberg’s husband, he gallantly volunteered to help carry the load. And I’m happy to report that he still does.

4. Reward good behavior—the sexier the better. As a Husband Whisperer, I knew that I needed to employ more positive reinforcement. “Reward your husband for completing a task by doing something you both enjoy, like dinner and a movie,” Dr. Alpert suggested. “Women often find men who are good husbands and fathers sexy, so the hint of an even greater reward in the bedroom will almost guarantee success.”

OK, but why should my husband get a gold star simply for being a good citizen of the household? I don’t get a pair of diamond earrings every time I clean the hamster cage. Still, it seemed like a mutually beneficial bargaining chip, so I was willing to give it a go.

I let my husband pick from several chores I wanted to hand over, then I told him about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (sex!) that would be waiting for him if he handled that chore for the next few weeks. Intrigued, he chose homework help.

To my amazement, after dinner that Monday, he didn’t have to be reminded about our deal. “Can we do the homework now?” he asked eagerly. “After iCarly is over,” I said, reminding him of another deal we’d struck with our 7-year-old for one hour of TV chill time. When the two of them finally headed off to hit the books, I luxuriated in an extra hour of me-time. And how did my husband respond later? Let’s just say he enjoyed it so much that he decided to extend our deal!

Well, I’ve been fairly rubbish at updating my blog.  Not quite as bad as Megan - but almost.

I do have some big news - I am getting married!

I’m marrying Barnaby Peter Lanman.  He is a wonderful, hilarious, kind, darling person.  He cooks dinner, and I do the dishes; we sit quietly together while he plays video games and I read; and I scrub his back, and he scrubs mine.  We make a perfect pair.

We have been dating about seven months, but knew within a month that we were going to marry.  I’m not sure exactly how, but we just knew.  When I arrived home, I told my parents, and a few weeks later, I even told my uncle Dan, aunt Michele, and friends Dan and Beth who I visited in Ohio.  ”I have found the guy I’m going to marry,”  I told them in late August.  Nearly a month after meeting Barny for the first time.

We’re already applied for his Fiance Visa, and we’re hoping it will be approved by May.  We’re planning on having a British wedding celebration on 6/6/10, and a proper wedding ceremony in America on 8/8/10.  He proposed on 1/1/10, by drawing me a little comic book.

The book described things we had done during the Christmas and New Years holiday, and ended with this page.  When I got to it, Barny got down on one knee in real life, and produced my ring.  My speech bubble was left blank, and I had to fill in my answer.

Barny and I are both ecstatic, and can’t wait until we can finally live in the same country!

Friday morning, we woke up in Danvers, and the four of us went out to breakfast in Salem, MA.  We all had delicious, copious amounts of food and drink.  It was a beautiful fall day, with the leaves changing and a brisk breeze.  I had never been to Salem before, so we walked a bit of the tourist walk (we had a map, thanks to the diner we ate at).

Barny was able to get some gifts for his friends back home, and I even picked up a Christmas present for my mom!

We went to an amazing book store, that was organized, but in a very haphazard way.  I felt as if the books would crush me if they fell.

We went and saw the statue of Samantha from Bewitched - Salem is the place where the Witch trials took place.

Maria, Kevin, and I trying to figure out what to do next!

Kevin went to work, and Maria, Barny and I went to get ice cream and to the batting cages!

Barny was amazed at how large his “kiddie” sized ice cream was.  (it’s the smallest they had!)

We got to visit the cows that made the milk for the ice cream!  (this one is just a baby, though).

We all took a shot at the batting cages.  Barny had never swung a bat in his life!  But he did pretty great.  He was good at line drives, which is the kind of shot that’s good!  Mine were mostly pop ups.

We left Friday night around 6pm, because we had to get to the Fitchburg High Football Game!  Barny had never seen an American football game, so we wanted to go to one!  Plus, he was able to see the cheerleaders!

After the game, we went over to have some beer and wine at Trevor’s.  My mom and dad brought over raspberry pie, and Trevor tried to fix Barny’s old camera.

Saturday, Barny and I drove down to West Boylston and saw the Time Traveler’s Wife.  Saturday was the one crappy rainy British day we had.  It really made Barny feel like home!  Luckily, it wasn’t too chilly.

We went to Il Ricordi on the way back and picked up delicious Italian food.  For Fitchburg peeps - if you’ve never been there, it’s the most delicious Italian food in the area.  We had loads of fun driving around together.

On Monday, Barny’s last day, he packed his bags, and I took him down to City Hall to say goodbye to my dad and Trevor.  We had hot dogs for lunch down at City Hall (Barny had to have one American hot dog!).  Then to the airport!  Where Barny left, but we were pretty good about not having a tearful goodbye.

But I think our GPS is broken, because it kept taking me through Sommerville to get to Logan Airport.   And that just ain’t right.

We had a great time.  I think I’m going over to England to visit Barny and Megan at Christmas time.  I think Barny is taking me to Devon to see his mom, and to Wales to see his dad.

Barny had never been to American before, so to introduce him to it - we did loads of fun stuff!

People keep asking me what sorts of things we did - so I’m just going to give a day by day list.

Friday Sept 18 - picked him up at the airport, and we stopped at Trader Joe’s where we bought nine bottles of wine.  Eek!

Then, we drove back to Leominster and picked up a burrito from Tory’s.  Went home, ate, and went to bed around 9ish.  It was 2am his time - and I’d been going to bed early since I’ve been waking up early for work.

Saturday was going to be a rest day, but Barny was anxious to get out and about.  We went to Concord, MA for a picnic lunch, and then went to the deCordova sculpture park in Lexington.

Then we went to Jenny’s house in New Hampshire for a cookout and camp fire!  It was a lot of fun - and we sat outside staying warm by the fire.  Barny and I kept switching places so our sides would take turns being warm.

Sunday we left for Lake Winnipesaukee where our friend Bennie has a home in Wolfeboro.

We got there about 4pm, because Barny and I have a history of getting late starts.   We immediately went for a walk with Bennie downtown and to see the lake.  And we got ice cream!

Bennie and I were dressed in a matching nautical theme.

Back at the house, Bennie made us dinner while Barny and I watched How I Met Your Mother (Robin and Barney!!)

Monday morning, Barny woke up super early and wanted to walk downtown to get coffee.  I was exhausted (lazy), and decided to stay in bed and sleep more. This would mark the first and only time Barny was out of bed before me.  Later, after having delicious bagels for breakfast, we packed up lunch and headed down to the beach.  It was gorgeous out, and even warm enough to go in the water.

Monday night we went out for a very nice Mexican dinner, and then went home and watched Lars and the Real Girl.

Tuesday morning we lounged around, did laundry, and headed back home after lunch. Tuesday was the Fitchburg primary election, so I had to go home and vote.  Then, at 7:30, I had seminar at the college.  My dad took Barny out to the Boulder for a beer.  There, they watched the election results live, where I got 7th place out of 11.  At 10, I met them at Destare where Barny met Niles!

Wednesday morning Barny and I went to the Moran Square Diner for breakfast.  It was delicious.  Then we headed into Boston for a day of exploring.  Trevor emailed me a list of things to do while there.  While in Downtown Crossing, we ran into Nora Brown and she brought us to an amazing restaurant.  I got a piece of pizza the size of bigger than my head for only $2.86.

Barny’s was a bit smaller than mine, but he finished what I couldn’t eat of mine.

We did a bit of shopping, wandering around, and tried (and failed) to do the Freedom Trail (Barny and I are awful organized tourists.  But we have fun.).

The State House.  The tiny bit of the Freedom Trail we managed.

In Boston Garden.

We went to the MIT museum where we saw some WILD stuff!  Barny took some amazing photographs.

For dinner, Barny and I went to Elephant & Castle, a British pub chain.  It was absolutely amazing.  The food was fabulous (especially the sweet potato fries and dipping sauce), and the service was great.  Plus, I had bought a gift certificate for $25 on Restaurant.com for $1!!!!  I recommend buying a certificate of your own (they’re always on sale - right now they’re 80% off!), and going if you’re in the area.  It’s right in Downtown Crossing.

At Downtown Crossing, I tried on a pair of four inch heels at Marshalls.  I made Barny take a picture of us standing together.  I’m amazed at how much taller he is than me even with these heels on (he’s 6′2″, I’m 5′5″).  They were so tall, I couldn’t properly walk in them.

Wednesday night was Sean Daley’s Open Mic Night at Hooligans.  Barny went on at midnight, and it was awesome.  Niles was there with his friend Diane, and Bria came, too.

Thursday we slept in late (having gone to bed at 2am).  Then we went to the Salvation Army where Barny stocked up on awesome thrift store finds.  I also got a cute denim Gap skirt to wear in the winter with boots and leggings.  Then I cut Barny’s hair (cause that’s one of my hobbies).

Thursday night, we went to another open mic night, this time at the Rabbit Hole.  My friend Bria organizes one there, and Barny played again.  This time, I got the whole set recorded on video, and Bria recorded the sound on her laptop.  When I get those up and running, I’ll post them. Mom and dad even showed up since they missed Barny at Hooligans (bottom left of photo).

Immediately after the open mic, we drove to Danvers, MA to visit Maria.  We stayed up until 2am (again) and played Wii tennis, where everyone avoided me, and made fun of the way I swung the remote (as if I was an insane person swatting away a bee).  I picked Barny up to show off my super-human strength.  He thought it was crazy, but I showed him by doing squats with him on my back.

We also cooked s’mores, which Barny had never had. They were delicious, and cooked properly over an open flame.

We drank wine, too.

And played with Maria’s cat, Betty.

Barny and I stayed over Maria and Kevin’s, and continued to have adventures.

To be continued. . .